


Gentleman Gato III: The Fall of the Gods

by Rodie



Series: The Saga of Gentleman Gato [3]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: AI-Generated, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29977212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodie/pseuds/Rodie
Summary: The final confrontation, the end of days, is finally upon them... but who will save Eorzea from itself?
Relationships: Krile Mayer Baldesion/Haurchefant Greystone
Series: The Saga of Gentleman Gato [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2203932
Kudos: 4





	Gentleman Gato III: The Fall of the Gods

**Author's Note:**

> The randomness setting was played with at several points during the generation of the story. As such... please look forward to nonsense!

Hildibrand Manderville, Agent of Inquiry, knelt over to inspect the bloody corpse. It was a gruesome death. The victim's head had been hacked off, and the body was positioned in such a way to spell out the words "Fuck you".

"I've seen this before," Hildibrand said. "This is the work of the Crimson Talons."

"Are you sure?" his partner, Nashu Mhakaracca, asked.

"I'm positive," Hildibrand said. "I apprehended these criminals once before, you know."

"You mean you caught them and I finished them off," Nashu said.

"You're too modest, Nashu. You know we make a good team."

"I'm not sure if killing criminals makes us a good team."

"Nonsense. Anyway, it's tea time. Come, Nashu!" The gentleman inspector stood up and stretched. "We must refuel if we're to solve this case!"

"We haven't even started the investigation yet."

"I have all the evidence I need," Hildibrand said. "That cat ass of yours is fine, m'lady."

"Oh, inspector! You rascal!" Nashu pawed the air and pretended to be flirtatious. She had a thing for men with power, and Hildibrand had a lot of it.

Not as much, however, as Gentleman Gato, who was, presently, facedown in a giant pile of premium-grade Ishgardian Skybuilders' Catnip.

"Gentleman Gato!" Hildibrand screamed. "How could you?"

The man who was a cat and a gentleman and is henchforth known as Gentleman Gato leaned up with a creaking noise, like that of a great wooden ship, and looked at the inspector.

"Gentleman Gato is certain there is lizardpeople in the Gyr Abanian mountains. It is the only way to explain the lack of cricket people in the area. Gentleman Gato knows such, because Gentleman Gato is a scholar."

"We're in the middle of an investigation, Gato."

"Gentleman Gato has solved the case!" he said proudly. "Lizardpeople done it."

"Gato, you didn't even see the crime scene! You were asleep for the past three hours!"

The gentleman cat frowned. "Don't be such a downer, Hildy."

"I'm serious!"

"So is Gentleman Gato. Lizardpeople are real, and they did the crime. Whatever it is."

Hildibrand and Nashu looked at one another. Nashu's ears flicked to scare away a fly that was bothering her. The fly was at the moment queued for MSQ roulette, and didn't want to miss the opportunity.

"Gentleman Gato, I'll humor you. What makes you think lizardpeople are involved?"

The cat loaded his ancient weapon, called by the elves a Luger P08, and stared at the two inspectors. "Gentleman Gato knows all, tells some. Gentleman Gato knows many things that you do not. For instance, did you know that the sun is actually made up of cheese?"

"Gato, what does-"

"Gentleman Gato will tell you one thing more. Lizardpeople ate the brains of the victim."

"How do you know this?"

Gentleman Gato pulled out a dusty tome, and handed it to Hildibrand. On the cover, it read: "Lizardpeople: How to spot them, and how to stop them from trying to eat your brain".

"Gato..." Hildibrand said.

"Yes?"

"You're insane."

"Gentleman Gato is not a Saiyan. He is a scholar. There is a difference."

Flexing his cat muscles, Gentleman Gato departed the scene for greener pastures. Flying through the skies of the realm would be a challenge for most, but not for Gentleman Gato.

He was a scholar, and his work was not yet finished.

~ ~ ~

Emet-Selch was in a pickle. The pickle itself was delicious, but his situation was terrible.  
He had found out that the Ishgardians were planning to invade the Limsa Lominsa ERP territory to raid it for degenerate cat girls.

However, he couldn't tell anybody without breaking his cover.

He couldn't tell the Garleans, as they would probably help the Ishgardians or take advantage of the situation.

He couldn't tell the Lominsans, as they would pull out and leave the area undefended, causing countless Garleans to die and making it easier for the Church to attack.

He couldn't tell his companions, as they would want to stop the invasion, which would lead to the same result.

The only thing he could do was go to the filthy erotic roleplaying miqo'te, and explain things himself.

"Hello, ladies. I'm here to tell you about the coming invasion."

The leader of the group looked up at him from her spot by the fire. Her name was something like "Smoopy Thunderthighs."

"Ohhh, mister, is that invasion in your pants?"

Emet-Selch immediately decided these people weren't worth saving, and simply rolled his eyes with disgust and walked away.

The next day, both the Ishgardians and Garleans plundered Limsa Lominsa for every ERP catgirl present. It was a complete rout.

Emet-Selch stood on a hill in the distance, watching the chaos unfold. He was eating popcorn and tweeting the whole affair. "Ishgard just committed an international act of piracy," he tweeted. "And it is a truly poggers moment. LMAO ecks-dee."

One of the ERP members, a scaly au ra with purple hair and three breasts, ran up to him. "Please, sir! We need your help!"

"I'm not into that." Emet-Selch pressed speed-dial on his phone. Gentleman Gato dropped from the sky and splattered the lizard into a pancake.

His manly eyes narrowed, and he took in the nature of his deceased target. "Lizardpeople... I knew it..." Then, he took out his phone again. "Ishgard just committed an international act of piracy," he tweeted. "And it is a truly poggers moment. LMAO ecks-dee."

He looked around at the chaos, and took a deep breath. He was tweeting so much lately, he didn't have time to write his next erotic novel.

Emet-Selch walked up behind the gentleman and rested his hand on his shoulder. "Let's leave. I've seen enough."

They walked off into the distance, their work here done.

~ ~ ~

It was nighttime. Not daytime, not teatime. Lord Hien was asleep. He had been working on his erotic novel, and was feeling quite drained. He looked out the window and saw a man in a black cloak looking in.

"What the hell?" he asked.

The cloaked man opened the window and entered the room.

"Who the hell are you?" Lord Hien asked.

"I am a messenger of the Church."

"What do you want?"

"The Church has deemed your erotic writing to be blasphemy against the eyes. They have sentenced you to death."

"You're here to kill me?"

"I am here to kill you."

"Well, get on with it!"

"Certainly." The cloaked man pulled out a katana and charged at Lord Hien. Hien drew his own katana and blocked the attack. The two began to fight, with Lord Hien on the defensive.

"I have a question," Lord Hien asked.

"What?"

"Why did they send a fucking samurai to kill me?"

"The Church has many branches. The samurai are very loyal, and very effective."

"I see... So why were you chosen?"

"I was chosen because I am the best."

The samurai lunged at Hien, who swung wide and slashed the samurai's throat. He collapsed to the floor, dead. Hien wiped his blade on the man's black cloak. "Freestyle Samurais parse grey, idiot. Read a class guide."

Hien threw his katana out the window for Gentleman Gato to find. He'd be pissed, but he'd understand.

Yugiri stirred in their bed and mumbled something. "My lord, is aught amiss?"

Hien closed the window before stroking Yugiri's hair, as well as the hair of the other two women in his bed. "Nothing, my pet. Go back to sleep. Big H has a Church to topple."

"Promise to topple me hard tonight, daddy," Yugiri responded, before kissing her master goodbye.

It wasn't long before Hien would deliver on that promise, but that is a tale for another time. For now, let us check back in with Gentleman Gato and Emet-Selch.

Gentleman Gato and Emet-Selch were in the streets of Ul'dah, taking in the latest Songbirds concert. "Gentleman Gato thinks they sound better in their recorded performances." Gentleman Gato observed.

Emet-Selch was too busy tweeting his experience to notice.

The two of them walked down the street, taking in the sights.

"So I show up for four days, I did some voice-over work, and spent the rest of my time in the hot tub." Emet-Selch was saying, as he slowly ate his ice cream cone. "And they pay me for that! It's like being a politician."

"I hear that." Gato responded, as he drank his third beer that hour. "My latest gig was saving a princess from an evil wizard. Easy money."

"I don't know how you can do it, to be honest. I mean, I'm fine with the occasional bloodless coup or political assassination, but saving princesses? What about the progressive movement? Can't save princesses anymore without someone thinking it's a power fantasy, am I right?" Emet-Selch rolled his eyes.

"It's easy money, and a lot of it."

"Alright, alright, but what about the long-term? What about the future? What about the cause? What about the people?"

"Gentleman Gato thinks the people can go fuck themselves, Emet-Selch. The people forgot about us years ago. We're ghosts, man. We're ghosts in the fucking machine."

"So, what then? Keep doing easy jobs and getting rich?"

"Of course. We're not hurting anyone." Gentleman Gato hailed a taxi Chocobo. "Come, in the words of my ancestors, let's get shitfaced."

~ ~ ~

Hien hid in the shadows of the Ishgardian back alley, watching.

He had been watching for several minutes, and he was fairly certain that the man in the black cloak was a shadow. Hien was a master of shadows. He was a warrior of the shadows. He was the fist of the shadows.

But he was also a shadow himself. He had been one for so long that he could no longer remember what it was like to live without them.

"Put your hands up, dickbag. Hands in the air, now!" Hien felt a gun leveled at him. He slowly raised his hands.

"Wait... Lord Hien?" The feminine voice sounded confused. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Long story, and one I'd prefer not to get into right now. Who are you, and why are you holding me at gunpoint?"

"I'm Hilda. I'm with the Resistance. We've been fighting the Church for some time."

"We?"

"My friends. Now, if you would kindly lower your hands, I'd like to lower my gun. This thing is really heavy."

Hien slowly lowered his hands, and felt the barrel of the gun leave his head. "The Church? I hate those guys. They sent an assassin over my erotic literature."

"Yeah, they do that. But they've been doing a lot more than that. They're taking away people's freedom to live how they want to live. They have been confiscating everything from drugs to moogle poms. We're doing everything we can to stop them."

"I see. So, where does a guy like me fit in?"

"We could use all the help we can get. I mean, if you're as good as they say you are, then..."

"I'm better. And I have friends who can help too. They should be here any moment, honestly."

That was when Ishgard shuddered, as a low rumbling could be heard. Then, the ground tore open, as a massive dragon's head burst through the cobblestones. The dragon roared, a sound that was matched in intensity by the screams of the people on the streets. Then, the dragon pulled its body out of the ground, tearing up the street and shattering the buildings around it.

Gentleman Gato and Emet-Selch were drinking Pina Coladas on the dragon's back, looking mildly unconcerned.

Hien nodded. "Speaking of which... hey guys, you ready?"

"Ready for what?" Hilda asked.

"We're taking back our city."

Hien looked at Hilda, and saw the look of surprise on her face.

"You're joking."

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"No..."

Hien drew his sword, and pointed it at the Church. "Then let's do this. For the thicc Ishgardian bitches!"

Hilda hesitated for a moment, before charging into the Firmament to make over a thousand streetlights. They would need them. For reasons.

Hien led the charge towards the Church. The dragon let out a roar, as did his friends. The sound of a thousand voices screaming in rage flooded the streets. Hien was not an emotional man, but there was something beautiful about this. The carnage, the chaos, the sound of a thousand flaming moogles sent screaming into the abyss... it was magical.

The Church's forces were no match for the Lord of Doma, the Gentleman Cat, the angry dragon, and the washed-up Ascian-American comedian. When they reached the Church, Hien himself beheaded the cardinal and shoved his corpse in the moat.

"You are victorious," the cardinal's head cried out.

"Now... for the pope himself." Hien flicked his blade clean of blood and looked to Gentleman Gato for wisdom in this, the tense moments before the final battle.

"Do we have a plan?" he asked.

"We do," Gato said. "Drugs."

"Fuck yes."

Gentleman Gato, Emet-Selch, Hien, and the dragon stuck their faces into a pile of fresh crystal, straight from Hydaelyn.

With a mighty sniff, the four of them leaped through the air and up into the Church, confronting the shadowy figure within...

It was the Wandering Minstrel.

"I am God!" he cried, as a beam of light shone through the stained glass window and hit him, making him appear even more angelic than he already did. "And, as the God of this world... I do not approve of your lewd fanfiction!"

"Fuck. You." Hien said, as he raised his blade. The Wandering Minstrel, the supposed God of this world, did not move.

"Some people want swords that hit harder than knives. Gentleman Gato believes this is unwise. Why would people play with knives if swords hit harder?"

Hien roared as he brought his blade down on the Wandering Minstrel. The blade bounced off of him, and the Wandering Minstrel grabbed it. 

"You believe this world is a game. That's cute." The Wandering Minstrel hit Hien with the flat of his blade, knocking him to the ground. "This is my world. I control everything in it. I am God here." The Wandering Minstrel raised his hand, and Hien was thrown against the wall, blood trickling down his face. "You will die here. All of you will die here. This world will be purged of your filth."

The Wandering Minstrel brought his blade down. It hit the earth, splitting it in two and destroying houses in the process. When it rose again, it brought destruction to the Firmament. Red lightning arced across the blade, killing hundreds of men and women instantly. The force of the blows caused blood to rise up in a wave, flooding the streets with useless crafting professions. Hien struggled to stand as he was battered by a combination of blood and the force of the strikes. The Ascians didn't stand a chance.

On the first day of the Wandering Minstrel's attack, fourteen thousand died.

Day Two brought more of the same.

By nightfall, five hundred thousand had died at the Wandering Minstrel's hand.

But still our heroes clashed against the tyrant, giving everything they had for what they believed in.

Gentleman Gato dodged a furious flurry of blows from the Wandering Minstrel, and brought an axe into his side. It was repelled from the force field that surrounded him.

"Ha. You can't even touch me."

Emet-Selch ran up the Wandering Minstrel's hulking figure, and jammed his claws into his eyes.  
"Time to level up." Emet-Selch's fingers burned up as he charged the Wandering Minstrel's magical energy. The claws melted as they grew hotter and hotter, but still he continued.

"Maybe next time, fuzzball,” the Wandering Minstrel sneered.

Emet-Selch screamed in agony as his fingers became molten metal. Before the Wandering Minstrel could finish him off, Hien grabbed Emet-Selch and both of them rolled across the floor to avoid a blow that could've parted them from the world forever.

"Leave him to me!"

Everyone looked up. It was Koji Fox, and he looked determined.

"Ah, the prodigal son returns. Come then." The Wandering Minstrel sneered and pressed the attack.

Koji ignited his lightsaber as it changed from blue to red. He may not have had much combat training, but he had practiced his lightsabering enough to surpass all gunbreakers. "If history must be unwritten, then we will make the judgment to die writing it anew." Professor Fox said.

The Minstrel laughed. "Such poetry is wasted on the likes of you!"

Fox grinned. "Maybe... but at least it prevented you from killing me before I could finish that quatrain."

The Minstrel stopped in confusion. "What...?"

All around him, the forum posts of a thousand angry Limsa Lominsa ERP (Elite Random Players) members materialized. Every proposal, every complaint, every angry shouting match - all of it had been preserved through the loving maintenance of Reddit moderators.

But that didn't matter right now. All that mattered was that even a single sentence on the front page of that day's r/finalfantasy could kill a man. And this was a day when the Final Fantasy 7 Remake's review embargo had lifted.

One post in particular caught everyone's eye.

"A commission of my au ra (WARNING Futa inside!) being taken roughly by Lahabread on the moon! Story inside uwu"

The wanderer dropped. "I... can...not...be..."

Emet-Selch dropped to one knee and vomited all over his hands.

Even Gentleman Gato was afraid!

The world tilted. The day of reckoning was finally upon them and now even the heavens wept in terror…

Eyes of pale green opened, peering into the night. The sound of the desert wind weaved through the air, and she felt the warmth of a masculine arm around her waist.

Her eyes flickered in the dark as she saw him. That man. That young man with snow-white hair and hateful eyes. He stood over her as the pungent smell of death filled her nostrils. The army of ghouls parted down the middle, as legions of eyeless undead spirits stared at her in silence, like specters witnessing an execution.

And now... "Rise." He whispered.

And so Moenbryda Wilfsunnwyn stepped forward into the world again, to assume the mantle of the god of destruction, and from the still-burning corpse of the Wandering Minstrel, she rose, like a perverse phoenix from the ashes.

There were screams in the distance -- from villagers watching their friends and loved ones butchered by the god of destruction's newest incarnation. She felt her body shiver, as her hair turned snow-white, and her eyes, soulless, stared forward into the burning red sun...

And thus did the Final Calamity begin.

Koji Fox laughed, and kicked the Wandering Minstrel's ashes away. "Now... the end begins. Horrible English voice acting and weird lip flaps await you all! You can't escape your doom!"

Lord Hien was at a loss. He looked to Emet-Selch and Gentleman Gato and clenched his fist. His eyes watered. "No... it... can't end like this..."

And then... like the golden glow of sunrise... he appeared.

He appeared, his shadowy face staring at the destruction that lay around him. Villages burnt to the ground. Bodies strewn across the sand. Blood filling the stones of the desert, as if it were a crimson lake.

G'raha Tia, he who only wept in joy, the God-Emperor of Felines, son of the MILFs, the love machine, had arrived.

His roar shook the earth as he breathed in, smelling the air mixed with the scent of blood and violence. His anguish was our anguish. His fury was our fury.

But... through it all... we rejoiced. His wrath brought forth the blade of justice. A call to arms brought about by the destruction of we, his beloved brothers and lovers, as we bled on the cold clay earth.

His golden blade and armor were the very sun's radiance. His tears returned life to the lifeless. His shadow cast over the wicked beasts was formless void and fulgent destruction.

Moenbryda crashed upon him like a black wave on a fortress, cold and angry, desperate and disgusting. G'raha's laughter clashed against her crazed howls of rage. Her body was nothing but cold bloodlust, and her mind, a broken machine.

There was no contest.

From the lips of Gentleman Gato, a fervent prayer: "Deliver me from my enemies, O G'raha- protect me from those who rise up against me. Deliver me from evildoers and save me from bloodthirsty men. Protect me from the strife of tongues, from every oath that profiteth nothing. With You is blessing and ery foe is crushed underfoot. You are the one who saves me from battle and You render violence unto dust! Under the shadow of your wings I shall reign secure when you hover over me. So Shall my soul rejoice in You and my heart shall Trust in thy Name. Thine sandwiches and thy smile are sweeter than honey and the honeycomb. My supplication was offered to You and I am saved by Your right hand. You are my unshakeable rock, my mountain stream. My wall of bronze and My archers, the light of Your law. Steel is my body and fire is my blood. Yet, those hands will never hold anything, so as I pray. Unlimited Meme Works!"

As the gentleman cat’s Noble Phantasm was unleashed, G'raha's sword cleaved Moenbryda's flanks as if it were butter. The beast shrieked in pain, a long, pained groan of agony as she collapsed to her bleeding knees. Her maddened eyes staring at G'raha's magnificent figure.

"I forgive you, lesser Scion." he spoke softly. "The world was not yet ready for thicc roe mommies."

The golden blade struck home, and ended the horrible beast.

"Be condemned to your realm of Horrible Writing and abominable Acting with your new playmates, Moenbryda." he spoke, calmly.

And with the dawn, he left, to return whence he came, to his lover on the moon. Perhaps, a quiet night of eating and cuddling awaited him. We might never know. All there is, is the now, and the glory of G'raha.

"And that's how catboys saved the world," Krile concluded her lecture. "Now, if you'll excuse me, my boyfriend is coming from a different world than myself, and it wouldn't be proper to keep him waiting."

"But, professor," a student interjected. "What happened to Gentleman Gato? And Lord Hien? And Emet-Selch? Where did they go?"

Krile's eyes narrowed, and her nostrils flared as she stared down at the student, a look of scorn apparent on her face.

"Heaven."

With that, she stalked off the podium, and left the hall.

The ghost of Haurchefant was waiting by the Limsa Lominsa aetheryte, when Krile waddled up. The lalafell smiled at her boyfriend. "Hey hot stud. Ready to get all ectoplasmic tonight?"

The elezen clicked his tongue. "Girl, I'm so ready to clap those cheeks like it's your job."

"Damn right it is. I'm a professor. Now come on, let's go cause another Umbral Calamity in my bed."

Just then... the sound of a revving engine resounded in the heavens above, followed by a rolling Katamari. 

"Oh no... no, surely not..." Krile pinched her brow.

Gentleman Gato, Lord Hien, and Emet-Selch rolled down from Heaven in the Regalia, five beers in already, and blaring music. Lord Hien looked down his sunglasses at the pair. "Well, if it isn't Little H! What's tops, brah?"

"What it is, my dawg!"

"Fucking schwifty. Let's do something wicked tonight," he slurred, already motioning to the space in the backseat and eyeing both Haurchefant and Krile.

"Get... Get away from me, you drunk bastard!" The professor protested. "And what are you doing alive?! I thought you were dead!"

Gentleman Gato looked up from his kids meal. "Gentleman Gato is a man of dignity. A man of grace. Gentleman Gato does not belong in heaven."

"We got bored and left," Hien clarified.

"You... you can do that?!" Haurchfant exclaimed.

"Si senor. Gracias." Gentleman Gato stuck his face in the nacho fries bag and huffed. "Para su seguridad, mantenga sus manos, brazos, pies y piernas dentro del vehicle, y cuide a sus pequenitos por favor."

"You speak Spanish now?" Krile asked.

"Por supuesto. Para bien o perdicion?"

Krile's eyes widened. "Perdicion."

Gentleman Gato nodded. "Por supuesto."

Haurchefant sighed. "Get the hell outta here guys. I'm on a date with my girlfriend tonight."  
Gentleman Gato responded by chucking his empty beer can at Haurchefant's head. With a turn of the Regalia's wheels, they were off.

"Hey, hey... you wanna know what the best perk to having a job in Hollywood is, you know, the very best perk?" Emet-Selch plopped down a bag of something heavy on the dashboard. "Cocaine."

"Oh ho... the good shit?" Lord Hien drove the trio into the air.

"Ah, but Big C is a hell of a drug. I'm talkin' better than... I dunno, space drugs or some shit. It's a hell of a drug."

And so our story ends, for now. But whatever happened to Hildy and his case? Perhaps we will find out in Gentleman Gato IV: The Rise of Emet-Selch.


End file.
